My husband was involved in an affair. We have worked through some of our problems, and I believe he now intends to be faithful. But the memory of his affair freezes me up whenever we try to make love. I can't help but wonder if he's thinking about this other woman, and if he would secretly rather be with her. What can we do to get our love life back on track?

It sounds like you have worked through the initial shock and feelings of betrayal, rejection and anger. You also seem to trust your husband to be faithful. What you are struggling with is the long-term process of letting go and rebuilding confidence.

Communicate your concerns to your husband. Approach the subject when you are well-rested and free of distractions, and when you're not involved in physical intimacy. Let your husband know that you are having difficulty freely giving yourself sexually and are worrying about his thoughts and preferences during sex.

Getting back on track sexually will require a rebuilding process. To do this, you might decide not to have intercourse until you feel ready to give yourself freely. Make a fresh commitment to each other, and start your sexual relationship as if it were new. Read our book Men and Sex out loud together, especially the chapters on affair-proofing your marriage and bringing erotic adventure into marriage. If you need step-by-step guidelines, our book Restoring the Pleasure contains a self-help section for this very purpose. In addition to these sexual retraining assignments, work on finding ways of communicating when you are sexual that allow you to share your concerns as they surface and assure that your husband is actively engaged and keeping his mind exclusively on you. Plan ways to use nonverbal signals when you are being distracted by thoughts related to the affair. At that point get active in enjoying each other's body and talking to each other about your enjoyment. This will help keep the two of you feeling connected.

For Further Exploration:
The Married Guy's Guide to Great Sex and
Restoring the Pleasure

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