Inhibited About Appearance

My wife is extremely private about her body. Even though we've been married for several years, she still won't change clothes in front of me. What can I do to help her feel more relaxed about her body?

My wife is extremely private about her body. Even though we've been married for several years, she still won't change clothes in front of me. What can I do to help her feel more relaxed about her body?

There are several things you can do to help your wife feel better about her body. First, plan a time to talk with your wife about her feelings regarding her body and her reluctance to share herself with you. This discussion should take place apart from a time of sexual involvement or nudity. Let your wife know your reason for bringing up the subject is not to pressure her to change, but to help you understand her and to meet her needs better. It is important that she not feel judged for her modesty; she needs to experience your genuine care for her and your acceptance of her feelings.

Sometimes when a woman is hesitant to share her body, the husband himself is the problem. A wife may discover early in her marriage that exposing her body will inevitably lead to intercourse. If you responded to your wife this way, she may have felt like a sexual object, rather than feeling valued as a person. For her to feel safe enough to share her body with you, she will need to experience ongoing emotional closeness with you and a secure agreement that nudity will no longer equate sex.

Work to develop nonsexual intimacy by setting aside time each day for sharing feelings with each other and for doing activities together. Build daily affirmation into your lives with compliments, hugs and kisses that don't lead to sex. And on a weekly basis, find more significant blocks of time for building this same kind of nonsexual intimacy and enjoyment.

Another factor that affects a woman's modesty is how nudity was handled in her family. If your wife's family was either extremely modest or inappropriate in exposure, she may have learned that it is not safe to share herself, even with you. When we have been raised with a high view of our bodies and with clear boundaries to protect them, we can freely give our bodies to our spouses. But if your wife didn't grow up in such an atmosphere, your expectation of her to share her body will only cause more violation and decreased openness. Instead of making demands on her, provide safety in your relationship so your wife can gradually learn to share her body with you--at her pace and on her terms. The two of you may need professional guidance with this opening-up process.

How a woman perceives and accepts her body will also affect her sense of freedom to share her body with her husband. The view we have of our bodies--our body image--was formulated during our growing up years by the way we were held as infants and children, the messages we received from significant others about our bodies, and the models we looked up to and now measure ourselves against. The wider the gap between how we view ourselves and our image of the ideal body, the bigger our body-image problem. The goal is to narrow that gap by enhancing our view of ourselves and/or changing our ideal.

If you discover your wife struggles with her body image, you can help her by conveying your positive view of her through your touch and through verbal affirmation without sexual expectation. In addition, there may be efforts she could take to improve her view of her body. Sometimes exercise or weight-loss programs make a difference, but these must be her ideas, not your agenda for her.

It may also be important for your wife to adjust her image of the ideal body. Many women try to measure up to media personalities. To define beauty on that basis is unrealistic. When struggling with body image, it is important to remember God's message: He looks on the heart; man looks on the outward appearance. Both are important but since God accepts her as the beautiful woman he made her to be and you are the man looking on the outside, you can help affirm that perspective.

For Further Exploration: The Gift of Sex
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