Haunted by Childhood Sexual Abuse

Before we were married, we could hardly wait to be together. But no sooner had the honeymoon ended then our sex life began to cool. By our sixth-month anniversary, it was as if a wall would go up between us every time I even mentioned to my wife the possibility of making love. Needless to say, I'm feeling frustrated--not to mention rejected. What is happening to us?

The drop in sexual desire so early in a marriage, accompanied by an aversion to specific sexual activities, is usually indicative of past sexual abuse. For a woman who was so abused, her sexuality has been aroused prematurely, and it has been associated with shame, demand, immobilization and lack of power. Therefore, as an adult before marriage, when sex is not expected (no demand) or when she can choose how far to go (not immobilized), sex may be pursued to get love and feel power over her sexuality. Once the commitment of marriage occurs, however, sex becomes expected (demand), the feeling of lack of choice and immobilization during sex sets in quickly. She resumes the feelings and flashbacks of the abused and used victim. Consequently, her resistance to you is her protection against repeating what her emotions perceive as victimization.

This association between her childhood sexual abuse and post-marital sex can change, but professional help is usually necessary. Being part of a support group of other women who were sexually abused is most important. Your wife will need to talk about what happened to her as a child. She will have to relive those painful details and grieve the losses she experienced during those acts of violation. Keeping a journal of any memories, thoughts, feelings or flashbacks will help relieve the power that the past has on her current married sexual life.

When the two of you are ready and willing to rebuild your sexual life together, first, it will be important for you to allow her to be the active and dominant partner sexually, so that sex is not something "done to her," but something she chooses to do.

Second, it will be important for the two of you to discuss the specific violations that happened to her and avoid those behaviors as much as possible.

Third, she will need to let you know when--during your sexual times--she has flashbacks of past abuse. At that time, stop what you are doing--just hold and affirm her.

For Further Exploration:
Restoring the Pleasure

Sex Facts for the Family

The Magic and Mystery of Sex DVD #2 - Uniquely Hers for Women who have experienced sex abuse and

The Magic and Mystery of Sex DVD #3 - His Struggles for Men who have experienced sex abuse.

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