Diminished Sexual Excitement

My husband and I got physically involved when we were dating. Although we didn't have sex, we did frequently reach a point where we felt very sexually aroused. Now that we're married and are free to enjoy each other, I find that the level of excitement is much lower for me. We try to go slow and take our time, like we did when we were dating, but I still don't feel as passionate as I did before we were married. What is going on?

There are several reasons why passion dips after marriage. First, many of us associate sexual feelings with sin rather than affirm God's beautiful design of our sexuality as part of his perfect plan. We are sexual beings; our sexuality, our sexual feelings and our sexual urges are from God, and they're good. Sexual responses and feelings will happen and do occur even while we sleep. Men have erections every 80 to 90 minutes while they sleep and women lubricate vaginally (get aroused) every 80 to 90 minutes while they sleep. However, our sexual behaviors are our responsibility. We can choose to abstain from sex until we're married; and we are the ones who make great sex happen in our marriages.

If your sexual feelings were associated with guilt in your premarital activity, there will have been an adrenaline rush that occurred with the sexual arousal. This guilt/adrenaline connection heightened the feelings of the intensity of arousal. But that is not the type of arousal we tend to experience in marriage. Married sex, as God designed it, is deeply satisfying for both partners and is combined with fun, pleasure and the free enjoyment of each other's bodies. Married sex is not likely to grab you with an intense adrenaline rush that sweeps you off your feet. Unfortunately, many couples who grew up watching the guilt/adrenaline rush on television and in movies find it hard to shake that expectation and make the shift to the warm, fulfilling sexual relationship of marriage.

So relax your expectation for that adrenaline rush of excitement. Instead, focus your energies on building intimacy, pleasure, fun and fulfillment. Make time for your sexual relationship rather than waiting for the passionate feeling, and your sexual relationship will grow to be a vital and meaningful part of your shared life as a couple.

Second, hormonal changes due to oral contraceptive can affect sexual intensity. Talk to your physician and ask if there is a birth control pill higher in androgen and lower in progestin activity than the one you are taking (if you are on a pill).

Third, women who were sexually abused learned to associate sex with something wrong rather than right, and shut down shortly before, at, or soon after marriage. If you have any suspicion that you could be reacting to past sexual trauma, seek professional help.

For Further Exploration:
   Newlyweds: Getting Your Sex Life Off to a Great Start
    Married Couples: Restoring the Pleasure

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