Adapting to Body Disfigurement

My wife recently had a mastectomy due to breast cancer. I'm overjoyed that she will recover, and I want her to know how much I still desire and appreciate her body. But I'm not sure how to handle the loss of one of her breasts. For example, is that area still sensitive, or will it bother her if I try to stimulate her there?

Grieving the loss of a breast is a process that will take time for both of you. If your wife's grief is still too fresh, she may not be able to talk about the loss yet. Let her know you want to talk whenever she is ready. Then just hold her, listen to her and tell her you're available whenever and in whatever way she needs you.

Once she is ready to talk about and re-establish bodily enjoyment between you, you'll be able to talk about your concerns. Set up a time to talk about her physical sensation. Let her know you are uncertain about how she would like you to bring her pleasure since the mastectomy. It will probably make her feel good to know you still desire her body and want to know if you should try to stimulate the area of the removed breast. Ask her how she is feeling and what is comfortable for her.

The physical sensitivity of that area will depend on the type of mastectomy--that is, which portion of the breast was removed. The scar tissue may be painfully sensitive to touch for a while. It is unlikely your wife will feel exactly the same sexual sensations as she did before surgery. Usually the nervous system's receptors to sexual stimulation are severed in the process of the breast removal. Your wife is the only person who can tell you if it would bother her for you to try to stimulate her there. For some women, their husband's interest in stimulating the area of the removed breast would be an incredible message of acceptance and affirmation. For others, it would be a violation or would distract from receiving sexual pleasure in other areas of their bodies. Both of you might find more pleasure by focusing on the remaining breast rather than on the area of removal.

Your reconnecting process can be a time to establish an even more satisfying sexual relationship. Our society often associates a women's sexuality with her breasts, and there are some valid reasons for this connection. The breasts are receptors of and responders to sexual stimulation. Nevertheless, it's extremely limiting to focus exclusively on the breasts and genitals for sexual enjoyment. Sexuality involves body, soul, spirit and emotions. All of our skin is responsive to touch. When we limit ourselves to certain parts of the body, we shortchange ourselves of all the potential for sexual pleasure available to us.

Any bodily disfigurement can interrupt or impair our ability to open ourselves to each other sexually. When we feel negative about our bodies, we may feel unworthy to give and receive sexual pleasure. If your wife suffers negative feelings about her body since her mastectomy, she may need a great deal of affirmation from you before she can risk sexual intimacy. Your and your wife's ability to genuinely accept her physical change and maintain a sense of security in your relationship will be essential to ongoing sexual intimacy.

For Further Exploration:
Sex Facts for the Family

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