My husband wants us to engage in disturbing sexual 'tricks." For instance, he asks me to describe perverted situations, such as having intercourse with other women. Sometimes he looks at pornography during lovemaking. It's true that these things accelerate my orgasm, but I can't stand having a sex life that is so separate from my spiritual life. What should I do?

You are right in thinking a couple should integrate their sexual and spiritual lives. But to achieve that goal, you may need to practice "tough love." Your husband's use of pornography and illicit fantasy is completely inappropriate. It is unhealthy for you to engage in sexual talk that describes abuse, violates biblical standards or violates you.

If your husband is not willing or able to recognize the negative impact of his desire for these sexual "tricks," as you call them, you should seek professional help. It is possible that he is struggling with a sexual addition, which counteracts intimacy. The more a couple uses outside stimuli to enhance their responsiveness, the less they will enjoy and respond to each other, and the more perverted the stimulus must be to continue to produce the same intensity of response.

Faulty thinking is part of a sexual addiction. Both you and your husband have believed your husband's faulty thinking. A counselor can provide support as you refuse - lovingly, but firmly - to participate in his addiction. Your husband will need help to accept that his need is destructive and must be stopped. The best resource is a 12-step program designed for sexual addicts. Many of them can be contacted through the Internet. A good listing of sexual addiction recovery sites can be found at http://www.sarr.org.  It provides links to many different groups, and information on how to locate or contact support/recover groups near you. Among those which can be reached by phone are: Sexaholics Anonymous, 615-331-6230; Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, 617-332-1845; Codependents of Sexual Addicts, 612-537-6904; and Sexual Recovery Anonymous, 212-340-4650.

Your question also makes us wonder why you have been reluctant to stand up to your husband. Sometimes victimization in a person's background can confuse issues of sexuality. Perhaps you questioned whether your husband's requests were valid. Perhaps you have allowed the abuse to continue because these practices did enhance your orgasm. Distorted sexual scenarios can be arousing for some people, especially for those who have been physically or sexually abused in the past.

It's important to try to shift your husband's need for outside sexual stimulation away from abusive or distorted scenarios and toward wholesome fantasies. Talking during sex can draw you together and distract you from thoughts that get in the way of your body's natural sexual response. However, the content of your sexual talk must be consistent with biblical teaching and respectful of one another. Picturing the two of you in some exciting, romantic location or describing how different types of touching excites each of you will contribute in a healthy way to your sexual activity.

Your husband may not know how to find sexual fulfillment by connecting with you physically. The Song of Solomon is a beautiful model of erotic sexual expression between a husband and wife that grows out of a couple delighting in each other. The two of you might read it together in a modern translation and use it as the standard for expressing yourselves sexually in your marriage. You will have a great time and honor God as you do.

For Further Exploration:
Restoring the Pleasure

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