FAQs About Sexuality

Hum-Drum Sex Life

QuestionYears ago our sex life was filled with a sense of adventure and fun. Now it's predictable and, for lack of a better word, dull. I'm disappointed we've let sex become such a low priority and settled for the hum-drum. What can we do to bring back the excitement?

AnswerSex becomes "hum-drum" when we don't allow enough time or invest thought or preparation. To add excitement, become deliberate about making a change in your sex life.

A good place to begin is to change the location and the setting or atmosphere of your sexual encounters. The location is the room or area of the house (or the place outside the house) where you get together sexually. The setting or atmosphere involves what you do with the location. For example, you can vary the lighting; you can reverse your position in the bed, putting your feet at the "head" end; you can put a comforter on the floor or by the fireplace, instead of having your sexual experience in bed.

It will add spark to your relationship if you and your spouse take turns choosing the place and creating the atmosphere. This provides newness and an element of surprise. One couple found new life after they decided they could have sex anywhere but in the bedroom.

Sometimes it takes some struggling together to come up with alternative locations that will provide the privacy both of you need. Another couple, with six children found a unique solution. Since the little ones awakened early in the morning, and the teenagers stayed up later than their parents at night, the couple found they were rarely getting together sexually. And when they were, their sexual routine took about three minutes. Sexual intrigue had left their relationship soon after their second child was born 16 years before.

Finding new locations and creating a new atmosphere took some creativity. They reorganized the project room and added a hide-a-bed. This provided an alternate location to the bedroom. The teenagers were enlisted as part of the plan. The parents told them that "Mom and Dad needed some special time together." Together they worked out a plan. One night a week, after the little ones were asleep, the teenagers were limited to the family room, the kitchen and their own bedrooms so the parents would have privacy. On Saturday mornings, the older children took turns getting up with the younger children to allow an additional private time for the parents. The smiles on the teenager"s faces indicated they caught on. It was a wonderful example of parents modeling healthy sexuality!

When there are no children or other people in the home, any location in the house that is comfortable, free of distraction and private is an option for creating a new setting. A van or camper could serve the same purpose.

Changes in lighting can vary the atmosphere for sex. The variations might include: no light, candlelight, dim light, bright light. You might find the visual enjoyment of each other's bodies is enhanced by varying the placement of a candle or lamp. Some couples' sex life is so routine and predictable that even a change in the bedclothes--a new bedspread or satin sheets are refreshing changes. Some couples enjoy the smell of scented candles. Others enjoy the use of perfumes or colognes.

In addition to having fun experimenting with the setting, you can exercise your creativity in many other areas. Clothing can be varied. If you have tended to begin with your nightclothes on, crawl into bed some night and let your spouse discover you without clothes on. On the other hand, if you are a couple who sleep in the nude, you may find it much more arousing and add new intrigue to have to take clothes off.

Teases that do not carry a jab, put-down, or pick on a sensitive issue, add excitement. The tease has to be fun. If you are the usual pursuer, resisting your partner, in a fun way, is one type of teasing that can enhance for both. This is the message that says, "Come on and try to get me," or "See if I'm available."

Whatever variation you use--however crazy it might seem--if it creates lightness and laughter and does not have to lead to intercourse and never violates, you have a good start on keeping alive your total sexual expression with each other.

For Further Exploration:
52 Way to Have Fun, Fantastic Sex

Page Top
Back to Index

Home  |  About Penners & Associates  |  Resources  |  Seminar Descriptions  |  Speaking Schedule
FAQs  |  Testimonials  |  Counseling  |  Forms  |  Contact Us

© 2010 Resources for Healthy Sexuality, All Rights Reserved