Finding Privacy For Sex with Kids in the House

Our children are approaching middle-school age, which has made us begin to wonder: How can my wife and I continue an active sex life when our kids are old enough to know what's going on?

We, as parents, have the idea that our children should not know that we have an ongoing sexual relationship. Indeed, children should be protected from exposure to sexual activity between their parents, as well as details about their parents' sexual happenings. However, most children are comforted to know that their mom and dad are taking time to love each other.

With this in mind, we recommend that parents plan private times for themselves. One of the gifts that we parents can give our children is the gift of a marital relationship that is based on love (as well as on a fulfilling sex life). This is sensed by children and is a major source of security for them.

But how can parents do this? Since children can be both an interruption and an intrusion in a couple's sexual relationship, here are ten guidelines that can help parents keep "turned on" to each other--even after their children are old enough to know what's going on.

First, make certain your sexual experiences are satisfying. These experiences need to be free of demand and anxiety, and full of care, warmth, pleasure, fun and intimacy.

Second, take care of your bodies. This includes making sure you get adequate rest, exercise and nutrition, as well as good grooming and preparing your bodies for your sexual times together.

Third, keep your sexual feelings alive by being aware of and affirming your sexual thoughts and sensations. If those feelings get triggered in response to someone other than your spouse, then turn those thoughts to each other.

Fourth, schedule quality time to be together physically. This time must be free of interruption and free of demands. You can either schedule this time when your children are being cared for away from home, when they are sleeping, or when they are old enough to be self-sufficient and know they should not interrupt you (except for emergencies).

Fifth, learn to give and receive bodily pleasure for the sake of pleasure. Learn to delight in each other's bodies. Arousal, release and sexual intercourse could be the result of this time, but works best when they are not your expectation. These times will be most enjoyable when you are free to connect through talking, touching, caressing and loving without a demand for response.

Sixth, give yourselves permission to take responsibility to pursue your own sexual pleasure, but not at the expense of your spouse. For example, when you communicate what it is that your body hungers rather than expect that your spouse will automatically know what you desire, the sexual experiences will flow more freely.

Seventh, plan special treats such as music, candlelight, a "love nest" in front of the fireplace, a fun snack or a night away at a motel. Plan for these special treats by preparing your minds, your feelings and your spirits for each other. Think special thoughts. Thank God for your time together. Do any preparation that is likely to enhance your sexual feelings for each other.

Eighth, set aside times for teaching and experimenting with each other. Show your spouse the kind of touch you like. Teach each other about your bodies. Experiment with kissing. These are good times to work on areas of your sexual relationship that might need some enhancement.

Ninth, schedule sex-talk times that are separate from your physical times together. Use these times to communicate with each other about your sexual relationship. What things would you like to change? What are you particularly enjoying? What would you like to increase?

Tenth, go for help when your sexual relationship is not satisfying; if it has demands, or if it is filled with anxiety. Dealing early with any problems that occur is the best way for a couple to avoid developing destructive habits.

For Further Exploration:
Sex Facts for the Family

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