We would both like to be together sexually more often than we are. But by the time we work all week, take our children to their various activities and fulfill our responsibilities at church, we have no energy left. Any suggestions?

How about scheduling sex? With the busy lives we all lead, it's necessary to do some planning for time together. If we don't, our marriage will get only the time "left-overs" - or no time at all.

Every other dimension of our time is scheduled. Even our eating is predictably scheduled. (And we don't wait for our hunger to dictate when we eat.) Yet, we have difficulty imagining that our sexual appetite could be fulfilled by planning times to be together. Many couples fear that scheduling will take away the aura of romance or the "mystery" of sex. Yet, if sex isn't happening spontaneously, you're not experiencing romance or mystery anyway.

We recommend that couples schedule 15 minutes a day for face to face, non-erotic intimacy and an hour or two of private time once a week. This weekly time should be free of interruptions from the telephone, doorbell, children, work demands or friends. The purpose of this time is to connect. Typically a couple might bathe or shower together, share their feelings and thoughts with each other, read and/or pray, and hug and kiss each other's bodies just for the sake of touching and being touched. There can be talking, touching, caressing and loving without demand for response, but with the option of sexual interest and arousal that may proceed to a total sexual experience if you both desire that.

There must be a commitment to your scheduled times together. If you have to cancel one of your shared appointments, confer with each other and reschedule it. Make your relationship a top priority, then relax and bring joy to one another.

You must keep the pilot light of your sexual relationship lit--even if you don't have the time and energy to turn the flames up as high as you used to. But how do you do that?

Keep kissing, passionately, every day. Kissing is the barometer of the state of your sexual relationship and can be a deliberate part of your 15 minutes per day..

Keep open by sharing every day. In addition to your 15 minutes of daily general connection, plan regular times to talk about sex. Talk about what you like and don't like. Share your dreams and desires. Negotiate your differences. Don't give up.

Keep committed to sex, in spite of all the distractions. Your marriage and sexual relationship must continue to be high priorities. Be cautious of commitments that rob you of time for one another.

Keep physically fit. Rather than watch TV, take a walk together or go bicycle riding. In fact, the best thing you can do for your sex life is to put the TV in the garage!

Keep well-groomed. Maintaining proper care of your body and practicing good hygiene show that you care about and respect your spouse.

Keep your sexual feelings turned toward home. Fantasize being with each other. If sexual feelings are triggered in response to someone other than your mate, immediately put your spouse in the picture and bring the spark home!

Keep sex positive. Your sexual times will be most satisfying if they are free of demand and anxiety and full of care, warmth, physical pleasure and fun.

Keep learning about your own body and your mate's body. Read books on sexual enhancement out loud together. Experiment with new ideas.

Keep coming up with surprises to keep sex from becoming boring. Leave a love note on your spouse's pillow, light a candle, bring breakfast to bed, prepare a special dinner, bring flowers, complete an over-due project, or in your way tell your spouse he/she is special to you.

For Further Exploration:
Sex Facts for the Family and
The Married Guy's Guide to Great Sex

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