After my wife had our third child, she didn't lose the weight she had gained during the pregnancy. She seems to have given up the fight, and I'm having trouble seeing her as a desirable sexual partner. Whenever I try to discuss this situation, she doesn't want to talk about her weight. What should I do?

This is a tough issue. Your wife's excess weight is something only she can change, yet you are being affected by it. Talking to her about her weight like you have in the past won't help. In fact, it could make her feel worse about herself and cause her to eat more.

Instead, the two of you might begin by deciding to see a counselor. You might meet with the counselor to discuss how your wife's weight affects you. The same counselor could meet with your wife to understand her feelings about her excess weight and about your reaction to her appearance. Then the two of you could meet together with the counselor. The counselor would help make sure both of you feel heard and understood, and help implement steps toward change.

It's possible that your wife would like to lose weight but has felt helpless. A counselor could connect her with a supportive program that focuses on reasons for eating, healthy eating, and exercise. You can help, too. Often husbands want their wives to lose weight, but they aren't willing to stop buying and eating the offending foods. Your whole family must develop healthy eating habits if weight control is going to be an achievable long-term goal for your wife.

Whether or not your wife chooses to work on eating and exercise habits, you must begin to focus on her positive qualities. Affirming your love for her in spite of her weight is crucial. Some people use their weight to test the love of significant people in their lives. This especially happens to women whose parents were conditional in the way they gave and received love. It might be helpful for you to create a list of your wife's positive attributes, and keep adding to it. Then regularly mention the things you value in her.

Sexually, change your focus from a visual response to her body to focusing on the sensation of skin-to-skin contact. Enjoy kissing. Enjoy her touch of your body. Enjoy looking into her eyes. Enjoy touching parts of her body that don't trigger your reaction to her weight. Also, take over more of the household duties to give your wife additional time to take care of her appearance.

Body image is an issue that affects a person's sexuality. How we feel about our bodies determines how readily and openly we are able to share them with our spouses. How we feel about a spouse's body influences our desire for and response to him/her sexually. When there is a gap between how we view ourselves or our spouse and what we accept as an ideal body, we develop a body-image problem. To reverse that problem, we need to bring the actual and the ideal closer together.

Most people have unrealistic ideals about weight and beauty because television and movie personalities have become the standard. Of course, these people have the help of professional makeup artists, video enhancement and sometimes even a plastic surgeon. So consider whether your image of the ideal body is realistic and adjust it accordingly. Other times, a person's body needs to be changed to fit more closely with a realistic view of the body. In your wife's case, that could involve an eating and exercise plan. Both of you can enjoy your sexual relationship more fully as the real body and the ideal body become more similar.

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